Sober Sunday Experience...

I find myself being cheerful, sometimes even downright perky, on this blog. I don't want to ever leave the impression that this is how life always is. Since I do this blog for my own journal and to let my kids know what is happening in my life, I do want to be sure there is proper perspective in this blog.

Don't get me wrong, I try very hard to be cheerful all the time. I don't like pouting. I have very little patience with the 'pitty party' attitude. But I can emphathize with the best of them when things are truly difficult. There are many things that disappoint, hurt, offend, and frustrate everyone in life and I am no different in that regard. I do try to be reasonable about these things and look for the lessons in them.

Sunday was one of the days that sent me into what I call a 'blue funk'. There are a lot of things that create these times. Usually for me it is not the one thing that actually causes me to hit bottom but a string of little things and the 'one thing' is the final straw. That is where I was Sunday.

During Sunday School time when I am attending my home ward, I will quickly leave Church and go to the nursing home to sit with my mom for a half hour. They have her up and dressed at that time as they are getting everyone ready for lunch at Noon.

Sunday I found my mom in her wheel chair sitting at the feeding table. She can no longer feed herself so some one must do that for her. She can no longer safely walk around so she is in the wheel chair most of the time.

When I got there I found a chair to sit next to her. I wrapped my arms around her from behind her head and whispered in her ear how happy I was to see her and how much I love her. Even with as far into Alzheimer's as she is, she still appreciates good hugs and tender words.

Then I realized she was not feeling well at all. She has had a red eye for some time. I thought maybe it was because her hair was getting longer. So a week or so ago Papa and I took her into the tiny beauty shop at the nursing home and I cut her hair and bangs so they were out of her face. But she was still rubbing that eye again.

She was also coughing. Not all the time but enough until one of the other residents who can hardly see and is hard of hearing commented to me that she had never heard my mom cough like that.

The other thing she was doing was just rubbing her head and ears and face. Simply put, my mother was miserable. She obviously didn't feel good but she really wasn't very sick. I just ached for her. It hurt to not be able to understand what all she was feeling. It was like taking care of a tiny child and they hurt but they can't tell you where or what or why.

I just loved her, talked to her, and hugged her as much as I could. I put my hand in hers and she held it to her cheek and squeezed it. She doesn't know who I am but I'm sure she was feeling comfort from that touch.

I found myself silently praying and telling Heavenly Father he could release her and take her home whenever he felt it was time. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not wishing my mother dead. Such is not the case. But I do sometimes feel she would be much happier to be released from this ailing body. I would miss terribly those tender moments when she does hold my hand or smiles at me. But I would not selfishly wish her to stay as she is in her current state of health just so I could have those moments. I can say these feelings because of my belief that someday my mom will be released from this body and restored to her healthy state. She will remember me again then and we will talk and laugh like we did before Alzheimer's became a part of our lives.

I even had a dream one night and in it my mom was talking and laughing like she always did before Alzheimers. It so real and so vivid that I sat bolt upright in bed. I was wide awake making sure it that was a dream or real. I remember sitting there in bed wondering if my mother had passed away and that was her healthy body back again. It was only a dream but I don't think I'll ever forget how real it was.

From all these and many more thoughts came the 'blue funk'. I headed back to Church for Relief Society and it was all I could do to sit there. But I did sit there through Relief Society and then choir practice. It was good to get home where I could continue that wretched 'blue funk' feeling in the privacy of my own home (which seems silly to say as I'm putting these thoughts in a public forum like my Blog...hmmm...should I hit the delete key?).

So there you have it. I eventually worked my way out of that blue feeling, which is good. But I do want to remember and I want my kids to know that life is not always 'perky' like a Blog can sound. I want to remember that feeling that 'blue' feeling has one really, really huge benefit. It helps me truly appreciate and enjoy the 'joy' that is abundant in life. See that is realistic, not too perky!!