In the Middle & Letting Go...

Some final thoughts...

Throughout this process I have tried to pause and let sink into my heart what was happening and the lessons I could learn from this experience.

On the Monday after I finalized the flowers and before I went to dress my mother, I had some time to myself. I stopped in to see Papa. I visited the nursing home to say hi. Then I went through Sonic's drive-thru and purchased a soda and drove to a spot to reflect and write down some thoughts. I want those thoughts recorded in my blogging journal.

When preparing a Sunday School lesson, I came across a scripture in Alma 17:10 where the sons of King Mosiah were going on their mission to the Lamanites. They fasted and prayed many days in preparation for this mission. The result of that fasting and prayer was in the Lord visiting them with his Spirit and saying to them "Be comforted. And they were comforted." I took great strength in those simple words...be comforted. I knew in my heart and soul that I could be comforted.

While sitting in the nursing home I was trying to finish reading my July 2012 Ensign. Their was an article at the very beginning by Pres. Dieter F. Uchtdorf titled 'Always in the Middle'. Pres. Uchtdorf states, "There will be moments of beginnings and moments of endings throughout our lives, but these are only markers along the way of the great middle of our eternal lives."  He quoted Emily Dickenson who wrote, "Forever--is composed of Nows". Again, I found myself comforted in knowing Mimi was at an ending of her mortal journey but at the beginning of the next step in her eternal journey.

As I sat reflecting and sipping my soda, I remembered the quote by Elder Neal A. Maxwell,
     "The submission of one's will is really the only uniquely personal thing we have to place on God's altar. The many other things we 'give,'...are actually the things He has already given or loaned to us. However, when you and I finally submit ourselves, by letting our individual wills be swallowed up in God's will, then we are really giving something to Him! It is the only possession which is truly ours to give!"

Then the phrase 'letting go' came to my mind.

Alzheimer's is a great teacher of these principles...submission and letting go.

I watched Mimi have to let go of all that seemed to make Mimi our Mimi. She was a strong lady, accomplished in her own right, with a great intellect and giving heart. Alzheimer's took the outward manifestations of these characteristics for a season. She became submissive to the disease but retained her gentle nature.

Papa has had to accept the slow loss of his helpmate over the past 10 years. He has had to submit to the care of her as a mother would to her child. He has had to submit to the fact that there must be a purpose in Heavenly Father's plan for this to happen to his wife. Then he has had to let go of so many things they shared together.

I watched my mother submit to the effects of Alzheimer's on her strong body. Eventually to let them lay her body down and, over a period of days, let the spirit leave that body. Letting go, if you will, of this life for the things of the next. I'll never forget that moment of the final little poof of a breath. The spirit truly leaving the mortal body. I know she knew of my being there, of the care I wanted her to have in that passing, I felt comfort and peace as she continued from the middle of her life onward.

This has been an extremely beautiful experience for me. I'm grateful for my understanding of eternal things. I'm grateful that understanding allowed me to learn from the experience instead of pushing it away and not facing it head on. I'm grateful for tears when they are needed. I'm grateful for smiles to keep me going. I'm grateful to offer to my Heavenly Father and his son, Jesus Christ, a broken heart and a contrite spirit. One that has learned and is grateful for this part of the middle of my personal eternal journey.