The other day, which one? I can't remember, they all seem to run together. I was driving to my father's apartment. It was a cloudy day and the clouds in the sky were dark on the bottom and looked like they were ready to burst. I had a nice CD on in my car playing theme songs from movies. Beautiful music. I was relaxing.
As I got closer to Papa's apartment on the 460 By-pass, I looked up at the sky and had the most peaceful feeling come over my tired old body. It was like my mother was right there. I didn't see her or anything like that, just felt the comfort of her closeness.
My first reaction was to revel in that feeling for a while. Then I thought I might should just shake it off. But it lingered and I reveled. It felt like my mom was telling me I was doing a good job of caring for Papa. It also felt like she was saying she would care for him eventually again but she was happy with what I was doing.
All of this was just a feeling, no words were heard, no faces were seen. Just a moment in time where I was wrapped with a feeling of care and love and it was my mother.
I decided I would not tell Papa about this. He has wondered often aloud about what Mimi is doing and how busy she must be. He wonders if she is aware of him and how he is doing. I didn't want to hurt him in any way with this experience.
Imagine my surprise when I sat and visited for a bit with Papa and he turned to me and said, "I had a strange dream last night." I asked him about it. It was about Mimi. She was there and he could see her. However, she was so very busy she didn't see him and he couldn't find a way to her. Coincidence!? I told him it might stem from all the conversations that we have had about how busy she is and him wondering what she is doing.
Then I decided I would share my experience driving to his apartment just a few minutes before. I assured him I didn't feel in anyway like she was saying he was coming to see her. But she was letting me know we are doing okay with his care. He was happy. I was happy he had a dream that gently led into this topic. It is hard to fathom being 86 years old and sitting in an apartment all day in a chair because your back hurts so bad and you can't drive. These things have lots of time to play around in his head and heart. The end result of our shared experience and conversation was we both felt a little better, a little more at peace with how life is playing out for Papa and me right now. It is okay. There is a purpose to it and someday I will more fully understand that purpose.
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