After returning home to Kentucky, I put the CD in my car and began to listen to it again. I found myself captivated by the 11th track of the CD. The song is "Turn Your Head Back Around". I listened to it several times and finally realized the song was about a funeral. It has such a simple melody and words. I found it comforting, easy to sing along with and just beautiful to listen to. As I listened, I felt strongly that Mimi would not live a lot longer. Over the next few weeks, I listened to this particular track of music and sang along with it over and over again. Each time drawing strength from the chorus where the words are:
Don't look down when you go, don't look down when you go,
Turn your head back around, don't look down when you go.
For me, this was what I was hoping for my mother. When she passed, I wanted her to not look back but to look forward to those waiting for her on the other side of the veil. Those words helped me to be keenly aware she would pass and I would accept that passing wanting her to move forward in her eternal progression. I believe this little song was placed in my life to prepare me for the soon-to-happen events of my mother's passing.
Tuesday, June 5th, after feeding Mimi, I headed to the theaters in Georgetown to meet up with Claude. While waiting in my car in the parking lot for him to arrive I had a very strong impression. Feeding Mimi that day had been a chore. Since her bout with shingles she had taken a huge decline. My impression regarded the eulogy to be read at her funeral. Papa wanted to do this for a long time but had never gotten around to it. I'm sure the difficulty in feeding Mimi that day had impressed upon my heart and mind the closeness of her passing. I followed the impression I received and immediately sent an eMail to my sisters and my kids requesting each send one remembrance they had of Mimi in their lives and one of Papa. These could be incorporated in the eulogy and then added to mom's personal history. I asked my sisters to forward the eMail or speak to their kids regarding these memories and to have them sent to me via eMail.
Sunday, June 24th, after feeding Mimi lunch with Papa, I was very concerned about a trip I was to take that coming week. I asked Helen, a nurse at the nursing home, if my mother would live while I was gone or if she felt I should cancel my trip. Helen assured me I should take the trip and she felt mom would live another week...but she wouldn't promise that.
Monday, June 25th, Claude and I headed to Michigan to join Nissa and Todd on their driving tour vacation of the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. While in route I received this gentle eMail from Andie:
Had a talk with Hayden tonight about Mimi struggling and how that was hard for everyone who loves her. He wanted to know if they could give her medicine to get the germs out of her body so we talked about that but I also felt like it was good for him to know that at some point she will pass away and that it will be hard but also good for her to have peace. That sweet boy looked at me and said, but Mommy won't it be nice for her to be with her Mommy again? And her Mommy's Mom?
Thought you'd like to know that :)
Friday, June 29th, while on the northern tip of the Keweenaw Peninsula in Michigan we had no cell service. I was calling Papa daily after he fed Mimi to see how she was progressing. I was anxious to get cell service so I could check in.
When we got to where cell phone service was restored, I checked messages. I had a voice message from the nursing home. It was Kathy Crawley the social worker in the nursing home. She assured me it was not an emergency but requested I call as quickly as I could. I determined I would speak with Papa before calling Kathy. I tried to call Papa and he never answered.
I called the nursing home. Kathy was gone for the day and the remainder of the weekend. I explained the situation and was eventually transferred to Helen, a nurse who has been with the nursing home forever. She knew what Kathy called about and could explain it to me.
At lunch that Friday the speech therapist spoke with Papa and explained that Mimi was not swallowing. She had lost the ability to eat. The nursing home administration needed to have a meeting with Papa and me to determine the next course of action. Kathy's call was to explain this to me and set up a meeting.
Helen further explained that mom was in her room with an NPO order posted over her bed. That is an acronym for Latin words that mean 'nothing by mouth'. They had placed an IV in mom's arm containing a saline solution to keep her hydrated until we determined what to do next. This IV provided no nourishment only hydration. I told Helen I would be there as quickly as I could.
I continued to try to get Papa on the phone and never got an answer nor did I ever get the answering machine so I could leave a message. My thoughts ran from Papa falling to him being out trying to think, pray and process the situation. I eventually got Jim Parker, a friend from church, and he went to Papa's apartment.
Jim found Papa fine and watching television. They determined Papa's phone was not working and contacted the telephone company who assured them they would have Papa's phone fixed by Saturday afternoon. Jim let me speak to Papa on Jim's cell phone. This allowed me to be sure Papa understood what the nursing home was telling us. He assured me he understood.
I also began the eMail process. I would continue from that point forward to send regular eMail's to my sisters and my kids so that everyone was informed of Mimi's progress. My sisters would forward the eMail's to their kids as they felt appropriate. Through all of this I kept thinking how hard it would be to be so many miles away and not know, but want to know, how things were progressing. Hence, the series of eMail's that would follow for the next week.
All these phone calls transpired as we drove to our hotel in Hancock, Michigan. Todd got us to our hotel as quickly as he could. We checked in and I began the phone calls to try and find air transportation for Claude and me back to Muskegon.
While doing this Nissa tapped on our door. She came in and told me to quit trying that method, she and Todd were taking us back to Muskegon to get my car so we could head back to Sadieville. I had just been informed there were absolutely no seats on any flights from where we were to Muskegon for the next two days. Nissa and Todd cutting their vacation short was an enormous blessing. They did it cheerfully and never once made me feel it was any imposition to them. Since they are the manager and assistant manager for their store, it is difficult for them to get vacation for a full week at the same time. I know what a sacrifice that was for them and their love truly showed through as they unselfishly gave of themselves to get us home to my parents. I love my family.
I told Nissa we should find a place and have a nice dinner. Then we all needed a good night's sleep because there was a lot of driving in our future. Todd found a neat little Italian restaurant and we had a very nice dinner together. During that dinner Junie called from her vacation in China. She had received the eMail and had some questions.
Saturday, June 30th, found the four of us having breakfast at the hotel’s breakfast buffet before starting our journey back to Muskegon. We were on the road by 7:30am and would arrive in Muskegon at 5pm. Upon arrival we simply moved our things into my car from Nissa and Todd’s and immediately hit the road again. We would get back to Sadieville about 1am Sunday, July 1st.
During our return drive I sent an eMail to Cheri Risher, our Relief Society president, alerting her to the situation and that things were under control.
I received a delightful eMail from Andie regarding the Mini's response to all that was happening:
Subject: Funny Notes...
Hayden was sure it would comfort us a lot if we had cinnamon rolls for breakfast in the morning.
Bailey clearly listened well in her St. John's Pre-school Easter lessons because she asked if she would be able to see Mimi 'rise up'!!
Back in Kentucky Andie kicked into gear and took over for me on the home front. She scooped up the Mini's and came to Georgetown on Saturday. They stopped at Papa's apartment to be sure he was okay. He went with them to Sadieville where Michael had already arrived. This was a welcome reprieve for Papa. Michael went to Sadieville in his own car to allow Andie freedom to move in her car as needed and stay as long as she needed.
After enjoying some time in Sadieville to get the kids settled and let Papa enjoy them, Michael watched the Mini’s while Andie took Papa back to his apartment. Then Papa would join her at the nursing home. Andie sat with mom until about 8:30pm. She called to report how Mimi was when she arrived and after she left.
Andie reports that the IV is still going. There is a sign by her bed telling everyone to not give her anything by mouth. Mimi did try to look at Andie several times. She would hold and squeeze her hand. She is very dry in her mouth and her lips. She put her hand to her throat and even pulled Andie's hand there once. She also made squinty faces some. One cannot tell if this is discomfort or pain. Andie reported the dry mouth and lips to the nurses before she left and they were going to get Mimi a mouth treatment.
It was so good to have the information as Claude and I journeyed back to Kentucky. Again, how grateful for a daughter and son-in-law that would just step in and keep the home front going in our absence. I love my family.
Sunday morning I got up when Papa called. His phone was now working. Yippee!!! Now was not the time to not have a working phone. Papa would go to Church. I went to the nursing home to sit with my mom. Papa joined me after Church. He brought a CD and I brought a CD player to Mimi's room. The CD he picked was one with him and mom singing at least one of the songs. I found this very sweet.
After Papa arrived at the nursing home, I called Claude and he and Andie came in to the nursing home. Claude and Papa would give Mimi a priesthood blessing. Claude was voice for this blessing. Claude gives beautiful blessings. I have always maintained that is one of the 'Gifts of the Spirit' with which my hubby was blessed. After giving Mimi her blessing, Claude also gave Papa a blessing. It was a tender moment for our family.
Papa went home to rest. His poor back was done in and he needed a break. Claude and Andie left and headed back to Sadieville. I stayed for a bit longer with my mom. I would send this information in the next eMail:
Mimi's blood pressure today was 120 over 78. Wish mine was that good.
She has had one mouth treatment since I have been here. Since she breathes thru her mouth it is really drying out. So they come in regularly and swab the inside of her mouth with an antiseptic/mouthwash combination. Mimi hates this but you can see the relief in her after they finish.
Papa and Claude gave her a blessing. He gave her a beautiful blessing of comfort and peace.
Then Claude gave Papa a blessing. He promised him a great capacity to understand and to make the decisions at this time. He blessed him to listen to the council of those close to him.
Mimi held Andie's arm with one hand and stroke it with the other while resting her head against it. She seemed to try to speak to Andie. Right now she is holding my arm like that and having a peaceful sleep. Yep, I'm typing this with one hand!
Mimi has laughed a lot today. This gave Papa great joy.
Just wanted you to know that she is at peace today. There are definitely moments when she is hurting but for the most part she is having a good day.
I left the nursing home about 4pm Sunday evening. I went home to an amazing meal prepared by Andie and Michael. I had some time with the Mini’s. Then headed to bed at 10pm. Rest was going to be at a premium for a while.
During Sunday, Neffie flew from Beijing, China, to Houston, Texas. She wanted to be in the States when Mimi passed.
Through the day Sunday we heard reports of Mimi's effect on other people who work at the nursing home. Here are a few:
When I arrived this morning Glen was in her room. Glen is the Chaplain for the nursing. He came back to visit just a bit ago. He shared with us that he has often sat and read the Book of Mormon to Mimi. I did not know this and find it another tender mercy in Mimi's care at the nursing home.
When Carolyn came in this morning to clean the floors and bathrooms she was surprised to see Mimi in bed. I told her we were in the final moments of her life. Carolyn said, "Wednesday I don't have to work. I would be happy to come and sit with Ms. Virginia so you could have a break or get things done." These are the people who have loved and cared for our Mimi for the past 6 years. They are a rich treasure in our lives.
One of the CNA’s caring for my mother yesterday was unaware Mimi was in her final days until we talked. Her eyes clouded with tears. She explained that she did part of her CNA training at Signature Health Care. During her training they used Mimi as an example. They explained that she was a nurse during her working years. This particular CNA has felt a closeness to mom. When she finished her training and sought employment she took a position at Signature Health Care. She asked right off if Mrs. Lawrence was still there and was very happy to learn mom was there. She explained she just felt a closeness to her because she knows how hard she works and understands the work mom did. I told her that probably makes them ‘kindred spirits’. I have heard many times over the past six years that the nursing home staff is thankful for what Mimi does. I always wonder how an Alzheimer patient is helpful. Now I understood one way was being an example for the CNA’s in training.
The stories still abound of mom when she was still walking. She would revert to her nursing days. The staff would give her a clipboard and mom would sit in their meetings taking undecipherable notes. They loved her and let her feel included when the easy thing would have been to shut her out.
Monday morning I called the nursing home and spoke with Kathy Crawley. We set up a meeting with the nursing home administration and Papa and me for 11:30am. Michael left Sunday evening but Andie and the Mini’s were still at the house. I spent a little time with them, cut Bailey’s bangs, and then headed into Georgetown.
I was able to sit with mom a while before Papa showed up for the appointment. Andie came just before time for the appointment. She left the Mini’s with Claude and came to sit with Mimi while we went to our meeting.
During the meeting we were told the speech therapist spent a good deal of time early that morning just trying to get water down my mother. Mimi just couldn’t even swallow a tiny bit of water. We understood that the ability to swallow was completely gone. The option open to us was feeding mom through a tube. We knew going into this we would not choose that option and told the nursing home staff no feeding tube. This meant the nursing home would contact Mimi’s doctor with the no feeding tube instructions. Her doctor would order the IV removed. Pain medication would be made available as needed. This would be in a form that could be put in her mouth and dissolve without her swallowing. Nothing more would be given to mom orally. We were offered a private room for mom but declined that as well. Mom’s roommate is never in her room. She likes to sleep in her wheelchair by the nurse’s station and just does not like her bed. Since the traffic thru mom’s room would really only be me and Papa, it seemed silly to move mom.
We went back to Mimi’s room and shared the results of our meeting with Andie. I called Claude and caught him up to speed. Then I sent another eMail to my sisters and my kids updating them.
This meeting just served to make it official. We were now waiting for Mimi to pass away. We were told this usually took from two to five days but could take longer. Eventually everyone left. Andie needed to retrieve her kids and head home to LaGrange. Papa needed to check on Tiny and give his back a rest. I had some more quiet time with my mom.
The RN on duty came in to check on mom later. We had a nice chat about what to expect. She assured me Mimi would not pass that night. I cleared out some of mom’s clothes from her closet, collected my stuff and headed for my car and Sadieville. Another night in my own bed would be a welcome relief.
Monday night Claude fixed me a nice dinner. I got my laundry done from our trip and the Marx visit, pictures edited and labeled from the next to last day of our trip, another Blog entry from our trip for that next to last day, two bathrooms cleaned and the dishes done. Productive evening if I do say so myself. Then I settled down for some good rest. It is amazing how, when I fell asleep those few beginning nights in my own bed, I slept completely through without waking until time to get up. That is not my pattern of sleep at all and I appreciated the blessing of complete rest those few nights.
Tuesday, July 3rd I found Papa at the nursing home when I arrived. He came back to the nursing home Monday evening and stayed till 10:30pm. Tuesday morning he was back at 6:30am. When I arrived he left. He would returned in the afternoon.
I sent this eMail update to our family:
This morning Papa was back at 6:30am. When I arrived at the nursing home, I found Mimi asleep in her bed and Papa asleep in the chair next to her. The CD player was playing Papa singing. I truly wanted to take a picture of that beautiful moment but I didn't want to spoil that moment either.
They took the IV out of Mimi's arm last night before I left. Amazingly she did not flinch when they pulled off the tape or pulled out the needle. Her relationship with pain is so different. It is like her body has forgotten how to register certain pains. When they changed her gown yesterday the tie caught her hair just a bit. She did wince then but she has always been extremely tender-headed.
This morning Mimi is very subdued. She will take my hand and welcomes the touch but there has been no firm grasp. She has almost sung a tune and I have been blessed a couple of times with a smile.
They have a morphine drug Mimi can have for pain. The RN explained what signs to watch for to signal Mimi is in pain. She might twitch or wiggle some or she might make sounds. If we see any of this we call the RN and she will give Mimi the pain meds. So far there is absolutely no need.
So we will wait and watch. I'll eMail again later.
Claude came and took me down the street at lunchtime to Burger King. Gotta love those sweet potato fries they have this summer. This would be Claude's way of 'fixing' things for me. Guys need to fix things. That is their nature and a good part of their nature. To be sure I had some break time and good nourishment to continue this process with Mimi, Claude would come daily and take me away from the nursing home for a quick lunch break.
When Papa returned to the nursing home in the afternoon, I pulled out the hymnal I brought and we prepared the program for the funeral. While we were doing this we picked out the hymns for Papa's funeral as well. I was able to then get this program to the Bishop and to Cheri, our Relief Society president so they could help with the music end of it.
Glen, the chaplain for the nursing home, also told me a phrase I’ve never heard before. He said they do something called the ‘ministry of presence’. That simply means the act of you sitting in a room with someone is soothing and helpful. It brings a sense of companionship and peace. You really don’t have to be doing anything. Just be there with good feelings and share that positive spirit. I decided I really liked that phrase ‘ministry of presence’. I’ve been a firm believer in that concept a long time and now I have a name for it.
Today I held both her hands in mine and sang to her. She opened her eyes and tried to focus on me and listen ever so carefully. Such a joy to make eye contact and share the feelings of mother and daughter through that gaze and the feelings in the room.
As the wait continued, it felt a bit surreal at times. I shed tears at the kindness of others as they learned of Mimi’s condition and shared memories. But for the most part there was a peace at spending this time with Mimi. I was able to smile a lot and enjoy the peace.
Wednesday, July 4th I would begin my 24/7 vigil. Here is some of the eMail sent that morning to the family:
They rolled mom over to her left side yesterday afternoon. She was not a happy camper. Her right side is her preferred side. I got 2 of the CNA's to turn her body just a bit and she was a little more comfortable. But I'm betting when they shift her back to her right side she'll be happier.
Mimi's blood pressure was 165 over 90 very late last night. This morning it is 159 over 99. That is high and expected.
Her temperature is 99.5 this morning. It has gone as high as 101. We have been given to understand a fever is part of the dehydration process.
She is very chatty, giving lots of last minute instructions. Once we finally found a comfortable position for her on her left side yesterday afternoon she nestled in and slept for the longest stretch Papa and I have ever seen. She has been chatty a lot since then.
Mimi is comfortable. She does not appear to be in any pain. Papa said last night he did not anticipate her passing last night, he felt like today might be the day. It occurred to me about midnight that it would be poetic if our Mimi chose Independence Day as the day to leave this mortal journey.
Know that Papa is okay. He is set up here in a chair that allows him to spend maximum time with mom and even hold her hand for periods of time with minimum strain on his back.
Tiny is so very confused. She knows something is terribly awry with their schedule. When Papa is at home she stays right by his feet wherever he goes.
I received this eMail response from Junie who was on her vacation in China:
We went to the 3 gorges dam today. While there I had about 15-20" to just wander through a gardenia garden. That is both my and Mom's favorite flower. It was so fragrant. A special moment for me. Another woman on the tour took my picture there.
I was in contact via eMails with my friend, Laura. I shared this silly incident that would have bearing on Mimi's final passing:
Okay...Please don't think less of me than I have currently given you reason for, but I'm going to share a little of our death bed humor with you...just 'cause.
The clock in Mimi's room is broken. It has been 5:15 since we started sitting here last Saturday. Our current running joke is "we know the time of Mimi's death, we just don't know the day."
This afternoon the fire alarm went off because someone burned popcorn in a microwave. They couldn't figure out how to turn it off. It was getting louder it seemed as time went by. I got up and closed the door once we knew it was a false alarm. It was hurting Papa's ears. When the fire department finally turned it off Andie said, "Well, it didn't last that long. It is still only 5:15."
Michael was off on Wednesday and he watched the Mini's so Andie could come and sit with Mimi one more time. It was good to have her there again. Mimi seemed to truly enjoy having Andie's arm to rest her head against.
Wednesday night felt so much like Mimi could pass that I stayed the night. I would stay in the nursing home, with the exception of lunch with Claude each day, until Mimi passed. I found quiet times with just Mimi and me a good time for me to sing to her. I would get right in front of her face and quietly sing a song. When I was through, I would smile really big.
Thursday was the last time I saw mom try to smile back. It was very weak but it was there, of that I am sure. She was truly fading away.
Andie described this process as a 'reverse birth'. Laura also described it as the 'struggles in going home are like the struggles in being born here'.
Thursday Bishop Jenkins came for a visit. Mimi was breathing very shallowly for part of the time and in strong puffs the other. We had a nice visit with Bishop. He assured us there were angels in attendance and there was a strong spirit in the room that was good.
Thursday at about 6pm Neffie arrived and sat with us the remainder of the day. She would go to Sadieville in the evening for a good night's sleep.
I would spend the night at the nursing home Thursday night.
By Friday Neffie's kids travel was in place. All five would be able to attend the funeral. They would arrive on Saturday and Sunday and all return home on Wednesday. I also received an eMail from Junie, who was now making her way home from China, that Steve's training classes he was to teach had been canceled for the week. This is very rare and we felt the Lord's hand there so that Steve would be able to come with Junie.
Mimi's blood pressure was dropping continually on Friday. Her temperature had been increasing. This, we were told, is a direct result of dehydration. This is a paragraph from my Friday morning eMail to the family:
Through the night and this
morning Mimi had been doing what is termed 'apnea'. Basically you have to look
really close to notice there is a heartbeat. You see no sign hardly of any
breathing. She will rest like that for a bit and then she will have labored
breathing. This is a very normal as part of the dying process.
Friday afternoon Kathy Crawley came to Mimi's room. She carefully took the hand I was not holding out from under the sheet and blankets. She laid Mimi's hand across hers and smiled with a few tears in her eyes. With a smile in her voice she said, "Look, her fingers are straight!" Mom had been 'curling up' for some time. During the last few days her fingers were tightly curling inward. Now they were relaxed. For the first time in so very long her fingers were straight. Her legs were also trying to straighten out.
Lucy came in to check mom. She looked at her feet and legs. Then she showed Neffie and me how they were turning dark blue in splotches. This was a sure sign of the closeness of death.
Glen came back to Mimi's room. He came in often just to see if we were okay and how things were progressing during the week. This time he stayed and talked to Papa. I believe he knew the end was very near.
Neffie is a nurse by profession though she has not worked at that for some time. As I sat by mom's side and held her hand and stroked her head, Neffie was at her feet and kept counting breaths. You count the number of breaths in 15 seconds and multiply by 4. That gives you breaths in a minute. We were watching this number begin to decline more rapidly.
Neffie and I lifted the blanket over mom's legs and now there was a long dark streak down the side of her leg. Papa had mentioned going to let Tiny out. We told him he needed to stay here with Mimi.
Watching life slowly slip out of someone is a remarkable process. Mom's breathing was so very shallow that you might tell a heart beat through her gown if you really, really looked hard for one. It was apparent there was not enough oxygen going in during any breath you saw her take. As they got very intermittent, Neffie and I just watched her and then looked at each other. The final breath was just a little puff. I am sure that is when the spirit left her mortal body. And she was at peace. I looked at Neffie. Neffie looked at me. We both said, "I think it is finished." I looked at Glen and said, "I'll go and get the nurse to be sure." Glen said he would do that. We told Papa that Mimi was gone.
The nurses came into the room. There were several. They checked mom and pronounced officially that she was deceased. Then one of the nurses said, "You are not going to believe this. Guess what time it is?" We all looked at that broken clock. It was 5:15 by the nurses watch and by the broken clock we had all looked at all week. We enjoyed a little chuckle and found mom very clever in the time of her passing.
I was holding myself together very well until the staff in the nursing home heard that mom had died. They began to come in to give her one last hug good-bye. Seeing those people who have loved my mom and our family like their own for the last 6 years just touched my heart and some tears did flow.
The nurses called the Johnson's Funeral home to come and get mom's body. I called Claude and told him. He would call our kids and his mom. Neffie called her family. I called Junie who had been home for one hour from her trip to China. Junie would notify her family.
While Neffie was in the hall talking to her family, I was in the room with Papa. He was sitting in the chair holding Mimi's hand. I sat on the bed and put my hands on his knees and looked into his face. I asked Papa if he was okay. Papa said he was fine. He stated he had been through many deaths before. I gently told him this was his wife and it would be different for him and that was okay. He assured me he was okay.
I told Papa I wanted to share a story with him. Then I told him about my delivering Andie or Jake. Claude was by my side as the nurse examined me while I was in labor. I pass a lot of blood and the nurse quickly looked at Claude and told him that was normal and everything was okay. She didn't want him to worry. Claude looked at her and said, "I've pulled calves. This is not going to bother me." In the throes of labor I looked at my dear hubby and said, "I'm not a cow. I'm your wife and this is different!" Papa and I chuckled and I again said to him, "Papa, you have experienced this often but this time it is your wife and it is okay for it to be different."
The CNA came in to clean mom's body before the mortuary arrived. Neffie and I wanted to help with that. Papa headed for home. Neffie and I helped give mom one final bath.
Claude got into town before they came for Mimi's body. He gave me a huge hug and shed many tears. He did love my mother.
Then Toney arrived from the funeral home. He knocked on the door. I opened it and he gave me a big hug. What a comfort to know that my mom was going from one place of care and loving to another who would tenderly care for her body.
I gathered the few remaining items I had left of Mimi's in her room and Neffie and I headed to Sadieville.
Andie would return to Sadieville late Friday night.
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