Papa...

What would this 'Sandi's Journey' be without an entry about Papa. His care takes a big portion of my time, thoughts, and energy. 

Thursday, February 2nd, we went on a long car ride. It was long, lasting most of the day. It would have been a bit shorter had I not missed the correct road in two places on back country Kentucky mountain roads. That was my fault. Papa is truly oblivious to this. He just loves the drive and does not know we are retracing roads we have just driven. After all, we are going the other way and it just looks different from the other direction. But I returned him home completely worn out and very happy. Our next drive will be this Thursday for a long, long drive.

However, Wednesday, February 8th, Papa had some kind of episode. I called him earlier to remind him I would pick him up to take him to the nursing home. I arrived at his apartment, knocked really loud, and then entered when I got no response. Usually that means he is asleep or in the back bedroom and just doesn't hear the knock. When I got to his kitchen I could see the back bathroom light was on. I stood in the bedroom doorway and yelled to Papa so he would know I was in the apartment. I told him I would close the bedroom door so he could finish getting ready. Then I waited and waited and waited. It was past time now for us to be at the nursing home. After a bit longer, Papa came around from the back bedroom into the living room. He was obviously not doing well at all. I asked what was happening and he said he just suddenly didn't have any strength at all. None. He couldn't even hardly get his pants buttoned at the top. He didn't have on a shirt. He came into the living room and sat in his chair. I got him a long sleeved t-shirt to slip on but he didn't even put that on right away. I called the nursing home and told them Papa was not well at all and we would not be there. I directed them to the DVD we leave just in case we can't make it. Then I went back and sat in the chair by Papa. He drifted off to sleep and I sat with him for about two and a half hours. He took three nice naps during that time and was picking up in energy after that. He said he was okay in his stomach but his bathroom told another story. I got it cleaned. 

Truly, I would not have been surprised if he passed away during one of those naps. I watched his breathing and it was a lot like Mom's as I held her hand when she was dying. I could have easily seen Papa passing just like that. And my heart was okay with that. My prayer has been, as it was with Mom, to be there with Papa when he passes away. Unlike Mom who had nurses watching her that were very familiar with that process and could get me there to be with her as she lived her final days, Papa is in an apartment on his own and it is very likely I may not be there with him. So, if he had passed that afternoon, I would have felt blessed that the good Lord gave me a tender mercy of being with him for the moment of transition. There is nothing morbid in this. It is a fact of life that death is there for each of us. If I can't be there with Papa, my next prayer is for him to just fall asleep and not wake up and me find him in his chair.  We'll see how and what the Lord intends for that point in Papa's life. And I will understand it is the way it was meant to be. But Papa rested and recovered well enough that I felt comfortable leaving him to go teach my Institute class that night. By the next day he was sounding like Papa again and not aware of how badly he was doing the day before.

Friday February 10th I called Papa. When he went to answer the phone, he got out of his chair to go to the counter where his phone base is located. When he finally got there, there was no phone in the base. He realized it must be on the end table by his chair. He turned to go back to the end table and in picking up the phone he managed to drop it. When he went down to pick it up, he fell on the carpet. He got the phone and was talking to me as he picked it up. I thought he was back like he was on Wednesday. But it was just the sound of him trying desperately to get himself back up from the fall while he was on the phone. By Sunday afternoon as he talked to my sister on the phone, his recollection of that fall was that he got tangled up in the chair I sit in by his chair when I visit. He didn't hurt anything in the fall. 

This is just how it goes with Papa. He really can't bend over any more. He has a hard enough time with balance to just walk. He uses the walker a lot in his apartment and that is a good thing. So we'll just keep on trying to keep him going. He believes he is doing great. He doesn't see himself as failing at all. I see a different picture and don't want to diminish his positive feelings about himself. It is a tough place to be.