On September 24th I posted "Visitor From the West" and explained the unanimous agreement my sisters and I came to that we needed to place Papa in a nursing home.
September 27th found me at Dr. Raymond Weckman's office. I explained our concerns with Papa and my sisters concurrence that it was time for him to enter the nursing home. Dr. Weckman looked at me and simply said, "I was wondering when you would finally do this." He truly felt it was also time for him to go but this had to be our decision and not his. I then explained the first thing we needed to be sure of was the ability to get Papa out of his lease. That would require a letter from him explaining Papa's situation and that he felt Papa needed to not live alone anymore. I was amazed as Dr. Weckman asked me to wait one moment. He went to his office and brought back a piece of office letterhead. Then he proceeded to write the best letter, in his own hand, explaining the situation and requesting we be released from the lease. Lastly Dr. Weckman told me, "You tell your father I told you to put him in the nursing home. If he is upset, it can be directed to me. He doesn't need to have those feelings for you. So tell him I said he was to go." It was such a relief to have him so willing and agreeable. This was a very difficult thing for me to do. I felt the hand of an angel on my shoulder this entire day and it began with this visit to Dr. Weckman.
I left Dr. Weckman's office with my letter in hand and went to my car. A voice simply came into my mind and it said, "Go to the nursing home next." I had no appointment but followed this prompting immediately. Again, that hand on my shoulder was palpable.
I visited with Kim who directed me to Denise. Denise is over admissions. I explained why we felt Papa needed to enter the nursing home and that Dr. Weckman agreed with that next step. Denise pulled out a list and carefully looked it over. Then she looked it over again to be sure. She said, "I have one bed available for a male resident. When would you like to admit him?" I was blown away. I expected to be placed on a waiting list and that might take a few months. I was floored and I knew it showed. Denise was very kind and patient as I processed how quickly this was happening. This was a Wednesday. I was to pick Papa up and we were to come to the nursing home to play music for the residents that afternoon. I asked Denise if we could do that as though nothing were happening so Papa would have one more day that was his usual routine. She suggested we admit him Thursday at 1pm. I agreed. Oh my heavens this was moving fast.
I went to my car with this knowledge and sent my hubby a text message. He simply responded, "Wow. You need me for anything?"
Then I heard the voice say, "Go quickly and find the device for Papa to listen to the television in his room." I pointed my car to Walmart in Georgetown first. I spoke with a young man working in electronics. He assured me he knew what I was talking about but they didn't carry them in the store however I could get them online. I assured him I needed a device that day and asked where he would suggest I try. He suggested Best Buy. Off to Hamburg Pavilion in Lexington and into Best Buy I went. I could still feel that hand on my shoulder.
When I entered Best Buy I paused inside the door to assess where I should first look. There were three employees standing there. They asked if they could help. I told them the need for a device so that my father could hear the television and it not be at 100 decibels. They looked at one young man in their group and told me he was the expert. He asked me to follow him. I did. As we walked past a shelf he pulled off an item and took me to a counter top to show it to me and explain how it worked. I purchased the item.
Back to Georgetown to pick up Papa. We went to the nursing home and had a normal playing of old country music for the residents. Then I took Papa home.
Agony folks. Agony. I had to explain what was going to happen to him. He was not given a voice in this process. He and I had had many conversations where he told me he knew it would happen one day but he was not ready. I had gotten to the point where I would always tell him, "Papa, you will never be ready to go to a nursing home. It will have to be because the timing is when it is right. Not because you want to go." So the seed was already there and we had already had many conversations. Now I had to tell him that the next day he would enter the nursing home. He would not go back to his apartment. Ugh!!!
He sat down in his lounge chair. I pulled his walker right in front of him and sat on it so we were definitely face-to-face. I only did that when I needed him to really focus on what I was telling him and the topic was serious. He looked at me and I explained how my day had gone in his behalf. I explained about the conference call with my sisters and their husbands and our unanimous decision based on their visits and my experience that it was time for him to have special care. I explained that Dr. Weckman also agreed that he should not live alone any more. I then asked Papa to take that evening to look through his apartment. He would have a small amount of space for personal things he wanted around him. I asked him to look through the books he was reading and select what he wanted to have with him. I assured him I would save the rest and bring them to him as he was ready for them. I asked him to look at the pictures he had and select a few very precious ones for the walls around his bed in the nursing home. Then I told him he could think about clothes he wanted. I assured him I would be back the next morning to pack him up and we would admit him to the nursing home at 1pm Thursday. He asked me what day it was. I told him it was Wednesday and the next day he would enter the nursing home. He didn't get mad. He really didn't react badly at all. I was prepared for him to respond negatively but he just didn't. He said he knew it would happen some day. We went over the things he needed to determine he wanted at him with the nursing home. That was his assignment. I told him I loved him and gave him a big hug and left him, alone, with his thoughts.
Claude worked with the device to silence the television except for Papa's earphones that night. He got it all charged and made sure the wireless things worked on our televisions. This was a huge help for me.
Thursday I went to Papa's apartment in the morning with a small suitcase. I asked him if he had picked pictures and books for us to take. He said he forgot. He was not really remembering he was going to the nursing home. We quickly went through his books and he picked the ones he wanted to take. Then we looked at his pictures and picked three he wanted to take. I chose some clothing to get him started and an afghan and his bone pillows Mimi made him that he uses to support his head. Then we were off to get him admitted.
They took him to his room to get used to it. I stayed with Denise and completed all that paperwork. Wrote a check for the first month's stay. Then I was back to visit with Papa and set his room all up for him.
Papa shares a room with a man named is Matt who is pretty much bedridden. I have only seen him out of bed and in a wheel chair when they take him to the shower. The relationship between these two men is less that happy to say the least. Matt sees himself as a very good Christian who wouldn't hurt or offend anyone. His television goes all the nearly time. He snores horribly because he can only be on his back. He has lots of nurse attention because he can't do things for himself very well. His problem is his sciatic nerve and he is now loosing feeling in movement in his hands. He wants me to find another room for Papa. He tells me how Papa is rude to him and he is only nice to Papa except the one time when he yelled back. His wife is not pleasant. She complains when I talk to Papa because I have to talk loudly so he can hear me. Then they sit and complain about the nurses and their care. But in his mind he is kind and gentle and wouldn't hurt or offend anyone. We all can be blind to our own quirks.
I am sure Papa had spoken harshly to him. I know from years of experience that all the residents do this at times. Some more that others. Face it. They are in a hard situation with varying mental abilities. Sometimes there is no other way for them to make their voice heard than to yell out. And Papa is getting more childlike the older he gets. I have tried to explain these things to Papa and to help him learn skills to deal with the situation. The problem is Papa and I have the conversation and within 5 minutes what he understood is gone and he is right back to where he was when he was frustrated. Ugh!!!
But Papa likes the food and most of the other residents don't. Papa is allowed to use his walker and not be in a wheelchair. I only see one other lady with that privilege. He hasn't had to go to Depends yet. I take him out to Church any Sunday he wants to go. When the weather is nice we sit on the bench in front of the nursing home or walk around the outside on a concrete path around the facility. I take him for a car ride each week. Sometimes we just go to the Burger King and get a soda or chocolate shake for him and sit in the car and watch the sky and trees and cars and birds and squirrels like he did in the back window of his apartment. I have found three games he likes to play on my old Kindle. So I take it each visit in case he wants to play a game. I also downloaded some videos from the Church website for him to watch and listen to when I visit. We still provide music each Wednesday afternoon for the residents. Glen Redmond, the Quality of Life Director, has taken a drawer and put Papa DVD's of country music as well as old movies he had so we have them readily available. He is getting his meds regularly and someone watches to be sure he is taking them. He gets a shower and shave every Wednesday and Saturday so he is finally really clean. And he is eating all of every well balanced meal they make for him. I know he is in the right place for him right now. I try to visit him for at least two hours each day to add variety to his life.
This is the next step in caring for Papa. It is the right step and the right place for him to be now. What a journey my retirement has been. Again, I say what I always say, caring for one's parents is not for the faint of heart.
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